Strange Coincidence

I usually love a strange coincidence, but the one that happened to me this morning, I could have lived without.  The new Amazing Spiderman movie just came out today.  In fact, I think they had some early previews of it last night.  It seems like the Spiderman movies always come out near my birthday.  Since it’s my birthday weekend, my husband and I are going to a comedy show to celebrate, so the kids are going to Grandma’s house after school today.  I packed up their backpacks last night so they will be all ready to go.  My son has a Spiderman backpack.  I had the bags ready to go near the front door, so we could just grab them on the way out.  It was time to go, so I grabbed my sons backpack and guess what happened?    There had been a spider underneath it, and when I lifted it, babies went everywhere.  I screamed, threw the backpack, and screamed again.  My husband came running in because this is not usually my reaction.  I am usually the spider killer.  I was just not prepared for spiders in the am.  So many spiders.  My husband got some spray, and a shoe and went to work.  I just stood there in shock.  The really weird part about it is that when I went to pick up his bag last night to pack it, I was thinking how weird it would be if there was a spider under his Spiderman backpack.  Go figure.

Different Does Not = Wrong

So I was sitting in McDonalds with my kids one Saturday afternoon.  We decided to get some lunch and went inside to eat.  The kids like to sit next to the window so they can wave to people as they pull away from the drive thru.  Half the time the people are too distracted to notice, but every once in a while someone will look over and wave back.  This usually brings a huge smile to the face of my kids and the drive thru customer as well.  I love it, and think it is a nice thing to do, so I let them.  As we were sitting there, a woman stopped and asked me something about my phone.  I didn’t hear her at first, so I said excuse me.  She then repeated her question.  She had asked what kind of phone it was.  I told her it is a Samsung Galaxy S3.  That is when my daughter turned around to look at the woman.  I knew right away from the expression on her face that what she was about to say was not going to be good.  My daughter said aloud, “What is wrong with your teeth?”  The woman had two teeth in the front of her mouth that stuck out, and one was also slightly crooked.  I tried to keep talking while I was looking at my daughter in that BE QUIET kind of way, but then she said it again even louder, as she was not to be ignored.  The woman stopped talking to me and looked at her and said, “I don’t know.”  Even though she seemed as though the question did not bother her, and her answer did satisfy my daughter, it still made me feel really sad.  I don’t want my kids thinking that just because someone looks different, that something is wrong with them.  I explained this to them.  I told them you can’t tell how a person is just by looking at them.  When someone looks a little different, it is not nice to ask what is wrong with them.  Just because it is different, does not mean it is wrong.  When you say what is wrong with you, it can make a person feel really sad.  No one likes to hear that something is wrong with the way they look, especially when there is nothing they can do about it.  Hopefully this little talk will help to prevent some future embarrassing moments and hurt feelings.  I just wish we would have had this conversation before we saw the guy with the prosthetic leg at the post office.

Sick Of This Sh*t

Ah, now that potty training is completely over, I feel like I can talk about it without jinxing myself.  For the past few years I have been dealing with a lot of shit….Really a lot!  I mean this in the most literal sense.  Before having children, I had to deal with shit from time to time, but nothing can prepare you for the crap that comes along with being a parent.  Before kids, maybe my chihuahua wouldn’t be able to hold it all day, or my lab would not feel too good, but for the most part the only crap I had to deal with was my own.  Once my children were born though, my life turned to shit, times two.  My kids seemed to poop non-stop as babies.  My daughter even squirted poop on the photographer doing her first photo shoot.   I remember it so well because it also got all over this beautiful, soft, and very white blanket that was used in the shoot.  That lady probably deals with crap all the time, since she shoots a lot of babies….naked.
With twins, we went through a lot of diapers.  Sometimes if a poop was particularly stinky, I would bag the diaper, and head straight for the can outside.  I like to call these little bags, identity theft deterrents.  I can just picture someone looking for information in my garbage thinking…wow, what is in this, as they hold up a small bag.  At closer inspection they see it is triple bagged, and tightly sealed so no one could ever open.  This makes them think it has to be confidential information.  Now determined, the would-be- thief would have to poke through each bag, one by one with a fingernail.  Once they would make the last poke, they could finally rip open the bag and get a bunch of poop on themselves.  I can only imagine that this shit finger would never dig through my trash again.
I was so happy once my kids got through the diaper and pull up stage, and in to regular underwear.  It was like a graduation.  This graduation had some real downsides though.  Let’s just say, my son had plenty of accidents….if you want to call them that.  He would hold his bowels until they would give in on him, letting little pieces out one at a time and ruining countless pairs of underpants.  When you are the person who has to clean out the pants……you are shit out of luck.  I grew so tired of these messes.  Even though I cleaned out so many pooped up underwear, I still had to throw a lot of pairs away.  They would just be too much, or just the texture would be so stuck on there that I could tell it would be pointless to try.   The kids eventually even learned the term sharting, and what it meant….because they did it a lot.
 I don’t know how many times we tried explaining to our kids that when you feel like you need to go, you need to sit on the toilet.  Sometimes it takes a while.  I even told them the song “Push It” by Salt and Pepa was the poop song.  I would sing it while they were in the bathroom.  Sometimes they would think it was funny, but other times, my son would just get mad.  He does not like to wait around on the toilet for a terd.  I don’t know how many times I exclaimed, “I’m sick of this shit!”  I even joked that I needed to write a song about it.  I probably still could.  Since the kids like fish, another way we tried to get them to go was to tell them that once they pooped, we would flush it down and then it heads out to sea where the fish eat it.  This seemed like it was going to work, but all it did was get them excited to flush.
I am happy to say that, at this time, the only shit I have to deal with is mine.  Unfortunately, my lab is getting pretty old though, so I don’t think I will have too long of a break…… but for now, I’ll take it.

Cylinders, That's Right, Cylinders

So the kids had a project at school the other day where they made cylinders, and then drew cylinders all over the outside and then the teachers stuffed them with candy.  My sons is pictured above.  I did not know the details of the project when he first brought his work home.  In fact, I didn't even notice it until it later in the evening as I was cleaning off the counter.  As I moved it, something caught my eye.  I quickly pointed the project out to my husband and we both were shocked.  I asked my son what exactly it was that he had drawn all over the paper.  He seemed  a little irritated by the questioning, which made me more suspicious.  He said he didn't want to say what it was.  My husband asked if they were rockets.  My son said no.  I asked if they were dumbbells.. Again he answered no.  We questioned him a little more, and demanded he tell us what he had drawn.  He still did not want to say.  Finally I asked him if it was his pee pee he had drawn all over the paper.  I stressed that this was inappropriate and that he would get into trouble at school if he was to continue drawing this type of stuff on his assignments.  At this point, he got a little mad.  That is when he finally admitted that what he had drawn was cylinders.  That's right, cylinders.

What's Your Name

My husband, like many other boys trapped in the bodies of men, likes to play video games.  He has a gaming name just like all the rest of the players online.  I believe his game tag is a nickname of his from his school days or something of the like.  One day as he was playing on his video game, I could tell he was discussing something with a few of the guys online.  One of the guys, had the game tag Kassdestroyer.  I am not sure but I think it was a play on his last name, Kass.  He was thinking of dropping the K, to change the game tag to Ass Destroyer.  I am no gamer, so I don't know what, if any, game that would make you sound too cool in.  Anyway, I guess the guy was asking all of the players for opinions, and they were not too sure of how it sounded.  As I was walking by the room, my husband stopped me to ask what I thought of when hearing the name Ass Destroyer.   I gave him my honest, no holds barred, opinion.  First thing that popped in my head when hearing Ass Destroyer was, and is, hardcore gay porn.  His buddy has since decided not to change his game tag.

Bee Hostage

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon.  The kids were playing in the playroom.  The husband and I were relaxing on the couch.  One of those, nothing exciting going on, kind of days.  That was all about to change when one of the dogs had to go outside.  As my husband got up and let Sparky out, a bee flew from out of nowhere.  We have no idea if it was in the house already, or just flew in.  Since I am allergic, I instantly ran to the bedroom and closed the door.  We don't know if either of the kids are allergic to bees, but Logan does share my allergy to environmentals, so they kids ran to their bedroom and closed the door.  Justin had just become, The Bee Terminator.  He has been stung before, and not had a serious reaction.  I have.  He had to take care of his family.  I could hear him walking around, but he wasn't saying anything.  Every once in a while, I would hear him scream and it sounded like he was trying to attack it.  Then he would scream like a girl and sound like he was running.  This happened a couple times, and then nothing for a while.  I yelled across the house to ask for an update.  He thought he had found it.  It was wounded, so he thought.  He got closer and realized it was a lady bug, or something.  Then he went out the front door.  My kids and I are holed up in the bedroom, and he is going out for a cigarette?  Seriously.  No, not really.  He was seeing if it would stir it up.  I didn't hear him come back in though, so I thought he had gone out.  I was about to get upset, when I heard him scream, and bang around some until he had gotten it.  The bee was gone.  We were free.  It's funny what kind of excitement might just poop up in the middle of the afternoon around here.  Yes, I accidentally wrote poop instead of pop and decided not to change it....lol.

How To Keep The Kids Out Of The Pantry

As I was cleaning the dining nook the other day, I glanced into the open pantry to have my eye caught by the sight of a giant, hairy body, eight creepy legs, and enough of the heebie jeebies to make me feel like I was going to lose my cookies.  I had to be seeing things because this thing didn't move when I looked closer.  It must have been dying or sleeping, but I was feeling light headed, so I enlisted the husband for the task of, "Operation Spider".  This was a new task for him, since I am usually the one who takes care of the task with my cat like reflexes, but, with my urging, he got up and took care of it.  He couldn't believe the size of it.  I had to assure him that it was a spider.  It was so big, he thought it was some kind of joke.  Since it didn't move when he was there also, he thought it was fake.  I told him to smash it.  He did, and then realized it was real and was grossed out.  He left it in the pantry to go finish his video game.  At least he stopped in the middle of it to take care of the live issue.  I decided while the spider is still in there, I might be able to use the situation to help keep the kids out of the pantry, they love Kix.  They are always asking for cereal from the pantry.  They open the doors and climb on the chair to try and get it.  It's ridiculous.  We have seriously had to put a lock on the top of the pantry.  But sometimes you forget to lock it, and they try to get in there.  I figure, I can mention that I may have seen a spider in there.  If they see one in there for themselves, they may listen to me and stay out.  Why not let them see what happened in the pantry?  Who was in there?   I told them as they walked over to see, that it was big, and they may be scared.  They rushed to peer around the corner.  That is when they exclaimed, "daddy long legs"!  Yikes! The kids had told us they saw a daddy long leg the other day in the playroom.  That was the same spider they were talking about! That is what they saw in the playroom!  I would have screamed my head off if that was in my playroom when I was a kid.  Need to call bug guy ASAP.  Anyway, the kids were still freaked out by the spider, and now I can keep them out of the pantry, maybe.  Who am I kidding?